(By Paige Nienaber) Gather ‘round, kiddies, and let your good old Uncle Paige tell you a scary Christmas story.
“A scary Christmas story Uncle Paige?”
Yes, Erin. Climb up here. The rest of you crowd around. Now all of you get real close and I’ll tell you a story. A sad story about a radio station that didn’t understand the true meaning of Christmas.
It was Christmas 1993 and your Uncle Paige was flying home the weekend before the holidays from the station in New York. I’d just spent five weeks dealing with some really stupid people and my Christmas spirit? Well, time was running out. I just didn’t feel very Christmassy. My cab fought an ice storm all the way to LaGuardia and once I was in the terminal and dealing with angry, rushed New York travelers, it didn’t put me in any better of a mood.
And then I got on the plane. The flight attendants were wearing reindeer antlers. Mistletoe hung from the doorway as you boarded. They handed out candy canes as they delivered drinks. Someone had stuck in a CD of carols and these played as we sat on the ground. The pilot had even gotten into the mood and was doing his cabin announcements as Santa.
By the time we got to a “major hub” where I had to change planes, I’d actually kind of gotten into it. A spark, a flicker of Christmas spirit had begun to bubble up from deep within the cold recesses of my heart. I deplaned to a concourse thronged with holiday travelers rushing to-and-fro, laden with packages. Trees adorned the terminal and choirs were serenading the masses (clearly pre-9/11). Feeling pretty darn festive, I stepped into the airport bar (big surprise) to find the waitress dressed as an elf with flashing twinkle-lights wrapped around her and plugged into a battery pack. With 90 minutes to kill, I whipped out my Walkman and tuned in to that market’s heritage CHR.
For the next hour, I heard no mention of Christmas. The weekend contest was a movie ticket giveaway with not one element added that could have possibly differentiated it from any contest in February or May or September. They were doing a remote at some client that had no possible spin to it. They were just there. No callers being aired, talking about shopping or their holiday plans. It was as if the station was being piped in from Mars.
My Christmas spirit disappeared slowly. Like an ice cycle melting in the sun. By the time I tossed my radio back in the bag and headed for my gate, my burgeoning feeling of happiness and festiveness was but a memory. I got on the plane to Minneapolis sad and dispirited. And imagine, if they did that to me in just 90 minutes, how do you think the people at home, wrapping presents or decorating the tree, or the people listening in their cars as they fought for the last parking spot at the mall must’ve felt?
“Wow, Uncle Paige. Those people at that radio station sure were dumbasses. Didn’t they know that it was the weekend before Christmas?”
True, Erin. True. How could they NOT have known? It was all around them. And yet, they plowed on, oblivious to the universe that their listeners and everyone else in town were operating in. Like they were broadcasting from some time warp in a parallel universe.
“Gee, Uncle Paige. That was a scary story.”
So right Erin. Now let me tell you the story of the reindeer baby that was turned into veal…
The Moral
Christmas is a Vibe. It’s something that you need to wrap yourself in. It can’t be just some acknowledgment through a morning show bit or weekend contest. Your audience lives and breathes the holidays starting on Thanksgiving. If you don’t sound like you’re tapped into that vibe, you’re going to sound like an idiot. Like one of the many generic-sounding radio stations out there that are slowly stagnating and choking this industry to death.
Some stations didn’t refer to “Thanksgiving” the entire week OF Thanksgiving on social media. It’s really not that difficult.
And Now, On With The Dump!
Seize The Carp
Dan Seeman with Hubbard in the Twin Cities has a mission statement to the cluster that he doesn’t want them to miss anything that happens in the market. This is why they seized the moment 6 years ago when a local high school student was terminally ill and his goal was to get his songs recorded. They helped him achieve that and that December five thousand choir students performed his music in the atrium of the Mall Of America.
December 13th will be the 7th presentation of Clouds Choir For The Cause and it’s pretty hard to explain how big this is. It’s the stuff that #1 stations do.
Innuendo Bingo
A fantastic morning show feature from R1 in the UK.
Squeeze Rudolph
K-Bear in Anchorage did “Squeeze Rudolph” which was a contest that will award $5000 in shopping and other prizes but I really think was just a thinly veiled excuse to have Rudolph scream in the promo.
An Actual Jingle Bell Rock
The St. Paul newspaper, in 1952, started an annual medallion hunt. Somewhere in St. Paul, they hide a specially marked medallion that is good for $$$ for whoever tracks the daily clues in the paper. For a LOT of families, the hunt has become a mid-January tradition.
In Las Vegas, the tradition is for KKLZ to hide a rock somewhere in Clark County and do daily clues on the air and also have bonus clues at clients that will narrow down the search. The rock is being hidden on the 9th and you can follow along here.
Christmas Spins To Imaging
When done with a modicum of taste, 12-step meetings can be spun for imaging. Like this, from 98.9 Magic-FM, for something as mundane as tanning certificates. It could be done with an addiction to Christmas music, egg nog, mall Santas, or mistletoe. (Disregard the file name).
I always disliked “Summer Survival Kits” if only because most stations didn’t do anything creative with them. Christmas Survival Tips could be traded out for these Summer ones.
You can never go wrong with old 1960’s educational films. From KOOL in Phoenix.
High/Low Holiday
High/Low seems to kill in PPM. It killed in diary. Like a lot of other old-school contests, it still has legs and that’s the reason that 99.7 Now-FM in San Francisco brings it back on a fairly regular basis. They did it for Christmas as a spin on “What’s In Santa’s Sack?” Guess the number of little candy canes to win a consortium of client crap™ and a six-pack of tube socks from grandma.
Date With Da
This is brilliant because these ARE the people who will want their dad to take them to something like the Nutcracker.
Elfies
Elf On A Shelf is about to hit. Again. I actually have dreams of waking up and he’s standing over me with a knife. Don’t overthink things. If you can get a Christmas tree then you will be able to get people to do “stuff”. Like, take a selfie with a mall Santa and share in the hopes of winning.
The Christmas Fish
God bless the people who dare to be stupid. About to debut somewhere where winners will get a gift card to Long John Silvers:
Didn’t get your Christmas wish? don’t worry, all this holiday weekend (station) is giving away a Christmas Fish!
“I wanted a new XBOX”. Aww, too bad Jimmy, but we do have a nice Christmas fish for ya!
“I wanted my boyfriend to propose to me and instead he dumped me!” Don’t worry, this Christmas Fish will make you feel all better!
“All I got this Christmas was just one sock, this sucks.” Well kid, now you have one sock AND one (station) Christmas fish! “Yay, thank you Santa, er, Salmon Claus!” (The sound of ‘ho ho ho’ from underwater…. blub blub blub, Merry Christ-fish-mas!)
Listen all this weekend and win your very own (station) Christmas Fish!
Christmas Word Search
I’ve always liked to see how other businesses give stuff away. A word search is NOT something that I’ve seen before. And they have had a decent number of “plays” to try and win a fire pit.
This Could Be Tough
You’ve got four weeks to pull it off which might not be enough time, but this “ornament crush” event is one of those things that gets bigger every year.
Paige Nienaber insults/consults more than 100 radio stations on Fun ‘N Games (Marketing & Promotions). Find him at CPR Promotions. Read Paige’s Radio Ink archives here.
